A Little Snot Will Do Ya

Generally speaking, I have never been in a better place. Work is good. My children are happy and healthy. My love life is rockin'. So, I wouldn't change places with me now and me during my married years for anything. But - and there is always a but - the one thing I did under estimate was how difficult being a single parent was going to be. I get to work most mornings before 8:00 a.m. Work hard all day (not back breaking labor, but mind bending, deadline sensitive, brain draining stuff). When I leave the office after 8 1/2 hours, the second part of my day is just starting. One kid has to be here...the other kid has to be there...homework has to be supervised...dinner has to be prepared (can you imagine the gall of my children actually demanding that I cook them a healthy, well-balanced meal every night?)...and a load or 5 of laundry is always waiting to be attended to. There aren't enough hours in most days to "do" and "be" and "go", and I am feeling spread very, very thin. Whenever I am feeling overwhelmed, my mother and sister like to remind me that even though I had a husband (and my kids had a father), I always did everything myself anyway so there really isn't any difference between now and then. But the reality is even though he wasn't there he was at least there. Does that make sense to anyone besides me?

I had a bout of hysteria yesterday. I haven't had a good cry in a while, and I suppose I was due. Maybe I was overdue, because this one was a doozy. Forty minutes of chest heaving, tears and snot pouring down my face, LOUD balling - all while driving in rush hour traffic for a couple of thousand other harried folk to witness. The only thing that eventually calmed and comforted me was my mom holding me while I sobbed into her shoulder. I guess even mothers still need their mothers

And...to compound my already fragile emotional state, I quit smoking 5 days ago. In the midst of yesterday's snot snack, I honestly felt like I could have committed a homicide for a pack of Camel Menthol Lights. At that moment, a mouthful of tar, nicotine and other cancer causing agents was way more appealing than a mouthful of boogers.