Excerpts of Hate
My ex-husband has never forgiven me for breaking up our happy little family. He thought- and continues to believe -that four people existing within the same structure constitutes a family. He is also apparently under the impression that its acceptable when one of those four is loud, volatile, drunk, stoned, and lazy.
Dan is the type of person everybody loves to have around. If there was a party being planned, he was on the top of the invite list, and the guy everyone gathered around once there. At 6'2" 200+ pounds, he is a big man, with a huge smile and a booming laugh. But, for some reason, whenever he got to our front door, he left all his niceness outside. Each day was a crapshoot. You never really knew which Dan you were going to get, and I could never understand this. And I could never- even after 20 years -get used to it. When I was a kid, when we heard our father come in the front door, we ran to greet him. We couldn't wait to throw our arms around him and get that big "daddy hug". Yay, Daddy's home! Not Dan. My girls ran to the door and were greeted with rejection. "I'm hot", "I'm sweaty", "I'm dirty". He'd push right past them, headed straight to our room, where he would stay, t.v. on, sorta half laying on our bed, with his feet on the ground and his head slightly raised by either a pillow or his forearm. As for me, I never got a warm hello, or a loving kiss, or that special look that says "Its been a long day, and its so good to be home". Is it possible to use up all your niceness on others so you have nothing left for the people you claim to love?
I spent years making excuses for his behavior. To my family, my children and mostly to myself. Personally, I don't like living on eggshells, and shortly after I crashed and burned from mental, physical and spiritual bankruptcy, I mustered the courage and strength to end the madness. Our divorce was quick and relatively painless. The aftermath, however, has been one seriously fucked up rollercoaster ride. Some days he hates me less than others, which does nothing more than lure me into a false sense of security. I should know better after all these years that his feigned kindness and sincerity is going to be short live and just a precursor to a blow out. I tell you these things, because last night was one of those blow outs...a scene so ugly that I'm not even sure I can adequately convey just how hateful and traumatic it was for the girls and me. I took the girls to a party last night. We were invited guests in someone else's home. He called my oldest daughter while we were there, and she innocently told him where we were. Even though I am no longer his wife, he still thinks he can tell me where I can go, what I am allowed to do, who I can be friends with, and what I can do with our children.
The following are excerpts of hate; taken verbatim from the conversations that ensued, and the numerous voice mails he left me after I stopped answering the phone. Not one word of this is made-up or embellished for entertainment value:
"You are the most disgusting person I have ever met in my fucking life. The girls will never see me again. I am not going to kill myself. I am just going away for years."
"You are so fucking worthless. You are not even a person. You should morph yourself into a snail and crawl around the world."
"You are the worst person I have ever met in my life. I wish I could have aborted our children so they wouldn't have to be raised by you. God bless you. Stop the madness."
"I am leaving all these same messages on T's (our oldest daughter's) phone so she can know what her mother is."
"You are not even human."
"I am going to your house to break all the windows so its unlivable."
"Play these messages for everybody. Please. You took away my girls. You threatened me."
"Please Stacy, you are killing me."
"You skanky promiscuous whore."
"I am not drunk."
Dan is the type of person everybody loves to have around. If there was a party being planned, he was on the top of the invite list, and the guy everyone gathered around once there. At 6'2" 200+ pounds, he is a big man, with a huge smile and a booming laugh. But, for some reason, whenever he got to our front door, he left all his niceness outside. Each day was a crapshoot. You never really knew which Dan you were going to get, and I could never understand this. And I could never- even after 20 years -get used to it. When I was a kid, when we heard our father come in the front door, we ran to greet him. We couldn't wait to throw our arms around him and get that big "daddy hug". Yay, Daddy's home! Not Dan. My girls ran to the door and were greeted with rejection. "I'm hot", "I'm sweaty", "I'm dirty". He'd push right past them, headed straight to our room, where he would stay, t.v. on, sorta half laying on our bed, with his feet on the ground and his head slightly raised by either a pillow or his forearm. As for me, I never got a warm hello, or a loving kiss, or that special look that says "Its been a long day, and its so good to be home". Is it possible to use up all your niceness on others so you have nothing left for the people you claim to love?
I spent years making excuses for his behavior. To my family, my children and mostly to myself. Personally, I don't like living on eggshells, and shortly after I crashed and burned from mental, physical and spiritual bankruptcy, I mustered the courage and strength to end the madness. Our divorce was quick and relatively painless. The aftermath, however, has been one seriously fucked up rollercoaster ride. Some days he hates me less than others, which does nothing more than lure me into a false sense of security. I should know better after all these years that his feigned kindness and sincerity is going to be short live and just a precursor to a blow out. I tell you these things, because last night was one of those blow outs...a scene so ugly that I'm not even sure I can adequately convey just how hateful and traumatic it was for the girls and me. I took the girls to a party last night. We were invited guests in someone else's home. He called my oldest daughter while we were there, and she innocently told him where we were. Even though I am no longer his wife, he still thinks he can tell me where I can go, what I am allowed to do, who I can be friends with, and what I can do with our children.
The following are excerpts of hate; taken verbatim from the conversations that ensued, and the numerous voice mails he left me after I stopped answering the phone. Not one word of this is made-up or embellished for entertainment value:
"You are the most disgusting person I have ever met in my fucking life. The girls will never see me again. I am not going to kill myself. I am just going away for years."
"You are so fucking worthless. You are not even a person. You should morph yourself into a snail and crawl around the world."
"You are the worst person I have ever met in my life. I wish I could have aborted our children so they wouldn't have to be raised by you. God bless you. Stop the madness."
"I am leaving all these same messages on T's (our oldest daughter's) phone so she can know what her mother is."
"You are not even human."
"I am going to your house to break all the windows so its unlivable."
"Play these messages for everybody. Please. You took away my girls. You threatened me."
"Please Stacy, you are killing me."
"You skanky promiscuous whore."
"I am not drunk."
posted by Eatapeach | 6:33 AM
7 Comments:
Yikes, you are so right to have left him...he is obviously emotionally bankrupt, ravaged and extremely unstable. If you're not worried about your and your girls' safety, I sure am. You need to decide what are the possibilities that actually could happen. he sounds almost bi-polar but also capable of violence fueled by a lot of anger and resentment. To what length will he act out revenge?
I hope you have some precautions in place and have explained them to your kids. (tip off police? your parents? his? change locks? whatever?)
You can only hope either he gets mega-help, or that he moves on to someone else and leaves you alone.
Hope you didn't take any offense to my above comments...I don't know the whole situation but was just going on what's here and it does seem worrisome, but that might be just me responding from a very naive position.
Just hoping you are all safe and moving towards better things/people that you deserve.
Stacy, I had an abusive live-in boyfriend once. That phone conversation and voice mail messages? Could have been said by the same guy - the language, and I'm sure you edited a few choice words out, was frightenly similar. Is this type like Stepford men, all stamped out in the same abusive mold?
Doesn't matter if it is verbal or physical either - abusive is abusive and it ALWAYS gets worse. In my case it started with years of verbal abuse - like you, I never thought it would get worse either.
Finally, I moved out of town without telling him, eventually changed my name and still, 30 years later, have an unlisted number...and always will. You have no idea how huge it is for me to write online. The only reason I do is that I'm quite certain he's dead.
I agree with Mother of Invention, and am worried about you, too. Very worried. Stacy, you need to know from someone who has been there - it's easy when you're wrapped up in an abusive relationship to think it will all be ok when in fact, it very well may not be. You may not be married anymore, but as long as you have contact with him, you are in a relationship. And, just so you know, it's not hard to get a restraining order even if the abuse is only verbal. NO judge wants to put a woman and her kids at risk. Don't think this is too extreme. It's not.
Take this seriously. Take care of yourself, your kids and your heart, dear, take care.
I know you're one of few people who can understand this, but it took me 3 years to leave him. The night he came after me with a knife kinda got my attention.
And another 25 years to get over it. I only started getting over it when I sought counseling and started writing about it.
Please, PLEASE, Stacy - take care, seek counseling, and do whatever it takes to protect yourself and your kids.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your concern. After my mother read his comments, she encouraged me to take action. I called my lawyer, and he concurred that I should get a restraining order. Ladies, I am here to tell you that it was DENIED. In the judge's mind, my request for a temporary restraining order - just until my ex got some help - "appeared to be nothing more than an attempt to change a visitation schedule". So I guess its perfectlly acceptable for the father of my children to call me when ever and how often he wants to spew hate and threats. I don't get it.
That's absurd. What did your lawyer say you could do about it? Deal with another person? Ask him and police what some other precautions you can take on your own. Involve your parents, and friends, church too if you have one. You need to free yourself.
I'm so glad Anon came forward and agreed with me. She could recognize the danger from experience, I was just going by red flags.
Please take care. I am going to try and e-mail you a poem I wrote on the choices abused women have.
It’s for Women to Choose
Didn't have e-mail so here it is...
A Choice For Women
The power that’s sucked you in again
Others will see it – for them it is plain
They can point it out to you so clearly
They do this because they love you dearly
Pay attention to what is said and told -
The remote he’ll always want to hold
Clutching it tight lets him be the hero
But without the control he’s really a zero
You’ve got the strength he doesn’t possess
Don’t let him make you feel much less
For contrary to anything he might think
You have a choice – you’ve got a link
To leave it all so far behind
A new life you can always find.
Instead of living helter skelter
Pack and head to a Women’s Shelter
Get the help you really need
And hold your head up high indeed.
This situation doesn't apply to you really, hopefully not ever!
Your post brought tears to my eyes. But I'm glad you're doing everything you can. Keep documenting, saving those voice mail messages, photos, anything you can think of just in case you have another chance to go back to that judge. And keep being careful.
Sounds like you're doing all the right things.
My prayers are with you and will always be until I know you're safe.
Post a Comment
<< Home