I Eat, Therefore I Am
I was never skinny. Well, maybe almost never. I was pretty skeletal a couple of years ago during the pinnacle of my marriage misery. I don't think there are too many calories in black coffee and Camel Menthol Lights, and for a while there, that's all that I consumed. But that was really just a fluke so I'm not sure it counts.
My mother is short and fat. My grandmother was even shorter and fatter. Even as a kid, I was curvy with big boobs. So I guess its only natural that as a "grown up" (ha!) I would be the same. I stand 5 whole feet tall, so every ounce on me shows. Being so "petite", there is a fine line between curvy and chunky. At this moment in time, I'm leaning toward chunky, and I am not at all happy about it. When I look in the mirror I see my mother, which makes me want to vomit, because when I look at my mother, I see my grandmother, and my bubby was not an attractive woman. I love my mother; worship the very ground she walks on actually, but I do NOT want to look like her. In my mind's eye, I am young, sassy and smokin' hot. I am very happy with this little fantasy I have created for myself, and goddammit, visions of my mother and my bubby are not going to ruin it for me.
It is bathing suit season, and I should be watching what I eat. Instead, I cannot get my chubby fingers to my gaping mouth fast enough. I'm not sure I even taste food lately. The next shovel full is heading toward my mouth before the one that is already in there has even been fully chewed. NONE and I mean NONE of my clothes fit. The only way I would be able to get my fat ass into my jeans would be if it were humanly possible for one to suck in their thighs.
As if the lack of ass-room in my clothes weren't a big enough problem (no pun intended), I am also facing a shoe issue. Now I'm a chick, and like most of my species, I love shoes....The higher the heel and the pointier the toe the better. A nice pair of heels works wonders. They give the illusion of extending the legs and enhance a great set of calves. The problem here is that my feet have gained weight too. My freakin' feet! WTF. So now its not bad enough that I am going to have buy a whole new wardrobe or figure out how to hold in my thighs all day, but I also have to deal with blobs of fat oozing out the sides of my strappy sandals.
I'm a firm believer in the notion that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but what have I done to deserve THIS?
My mother is short and fat. My grandmother was even shorter and fatter. Even as a kid, I was curvy with big boobs. So I guess its only natural that as a "grown up" (ha!) I would be the same. I stand 5 whole feet tall, so every ounce on me shows. Being so "petite", there is a fine line between curvy and chunky. At this moment in time, I'm leaning toward chunky, and I am not at all happy about it. When I look in the mirror I see my mother, which makes me want to vomit, because when I look at my mother, I see my grandmother, and my bubby was not an attractive woman. I love my mother; worship the very ground she walks on actually, but I do NOT want to look like her. In my mind's eye, I am young, sassy and smokin' hot. I am very happy with this little fantasy I have created for myself, and goddammit, visions of my mother and my bubby are not going to ruin it for me.
It is bathing suit season, and I should be watching what I eat. Instead, I cannot get my chubby fingers to my gaping mouth fast enough. I'm not sure I even taste food lately. The next shovel full is heading toward my mouth before the one that is already in there has even been fully chewed. NONE and I mean NONE of my clothes fit. The only way I would be able to get my fat ass into my jeans would be if it were humanly possible for one to suck in their thighs.
As if the lack of ass-room in my clothes weren't a big enough problem (no pun intended), I am also facing a shoe issue. Now I'm a chick, and like most of my species, I love shoes....The higher the heel and the pointier the toe the better. A nice pair of heels works wonders. They give the illusion of extending the legs and enhance a great set of calves. The problem here is that my feet have gained weight too. My freakin' feet! WTF. So now its not bad enough that I am going to have buy a whole new wardrobe or figure out how to hold in my thighs all day, but I also have to deal with blobs of fat oozing out the sides of my strappy sandals.
I'm a firm believer in the notion that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but what have I done to deserve THIS?
posted by Eatapeach | 8:40 AM
6 Comments:
Oh boy can I relate...
I have come to the conclusion(after hearing someone else describe it this way) that other people exercise and eat salad and they deserve to be thin me however eating steak frites and hagen daz I deserve the mound that is my belly. Im working through it however.
I can hear ya on this! No one deserves to be fat! Not even a tad chubby...after all, we were socialized by the media etc. to have perfect figures and be beautiful, and it's just not fair that if some people can be like that, the others of us aren't! It creates this whole unrealistic guilt thing if we eat desserts and not just nibble on celery! It's all such crap.
I get paranoid if I'm just 6 lb over what I think I should be! Doctors used to give me heck if I even weighed 148 and I am 5'9". I'm a lot older now and have never had kids, so I'm not too bad at 152...but it's just the idea that we are all so fixated on the fact that we're not perfect and it's all contrived by clothing companies and their ads.
I actually loathe having to watch what I eat and because of diabetes I really need to...I just get so sick of it. I used to dread summer for the bathingsuit thing...most humiliating and humbling experience in the world is shopping for bathingsuits!
Anyway, we're all in this plot together! Don't be too hard on yourself but good luck workin' on it!
Oh, thank you, my friends. It is good to know that there are others out there who consider ice cream and bread and butter food groups.
post pics please. thanks
I would die without heels.
Buffy, its almost too gross to admit, but me too.
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