Immediate Gratification: August 2007

A Friend of Bill

I am not an alcoholic. But it seems that many of the people in my life – the ones closest to me – are. For a long time I didn’t understand the disease of alcoholism. Like many people, I thought “why can’t you just stop drinking? when did alcohol become more important than me? than your children? than your family? than everything?” The risk of arrest, institutionalization, physical harm, emotional combustion, and even death were not enough to stop these people who meant everything to me to stop drinking, so how could I think that I was enough?

I married an alcoholic and lived surrounded by chaos and fear. To this day, the stench of stale beer on a man’s breath literally makes me gag. While our contact is limited so I can’t know for certain, I believe that Danny still drinks, and that makes me sad for him and for our children. My sister, my best friend, my twin (who technically isn’t my twin but might as well be), has been in recovery for a little over five years. I remember like it was yesterday presenting her with her 1-year medallion. And I can quote verbatim what I said to a room of alcoholics just before I handed it to her. ("I am the very proud mother of two beautiful children, so my life is not short on proud moments, but as I stand here today, I can tell you that I have never been more honored to be somewhere and prouder than I am right now of my sister"). But those years before then (and there were probably 10 or 15 of them) when she was drinking and drugging were hell on earth for my parents, me and collaterally for my daughters as well. And now, my beloved Antonio. I can't recover for him, but I will be there unconditionally with my love, support, strength and whatever guidance I can offer. I will never give up on him, unless he gives up on himself. Hopefully, he will come out of this the man I know he was meant to be. Happy, content, at peace, and sober.

I can party with the best of ‘em. I actually like drinking, getting silly, and letting it all hang out. I’ve often bragged that I can drink like a man (in hindsight, maybe that’s not such a good thing to boast about), but there is a time and a place for everything. There but for the grace of G-d go I?

A Pretty Poem (I didn't write)

Never had I seen the sun shine brighter, so many days seem so precious, my life so complete, and the feeling of my dreams being placed into the palms of my hands ... never had I, until the day you touched my soul with your love.

I can't take credit for it. I just know I really like it.

I AM TOFU

I once sat in the therapist's chair, looked him square in the eye and told him I was tofu. He actually stopped writing, raised his eyebrows, looked over his glasses and told me I had just said something he had never heard before - and he had heard it all. Then he asked me in typical shrink fashion to explain myself. So I explained to the esteemed doctor that being tofu meant that I absorb the flavor of whatever is around me. Maybe I start the day floating around in a nice, mild vegetable broth. I find myself in a situation where I have a well-settled opinion. I feel strongly about my position and am comfortable with where my head (and heart, as the case may be) is. But along comes someone else's take on it (whatever "it" happens to be), and all of a sudden - whether I realize it at the time or not - I am suddenly transformed into a rich, pungent venison stock. I literally take on the other person's flavor. More pauses from the good doctor, more raised eyebrows, and more astonished looks. Translation: I am easily swayed. Pursuaded. Steared in one direction or another. I am so pliable that my surroundings and the people around me influence my very moods and my very personality.

I wrote that on June 6, 2006. I must have started it and never finished, or perhaps by June 7th, it didn't seem important to me anymore. Today, it is important. Because over the past few days, I have discovered a hideous side to the man I loved more than anyone before; the man I brought into my home; the man I fed three meals a day; the man I financially and emotionally supported for 12 months; the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Things that were hidden in plain sight, but I was too busy being tofu to see them.